How to Manage an Imbalance of Household Tasks
One of the common themes that I hear from my clients is feelings of inequity in their partnerships. The individuals who feel this way tend to be women in heterosexual relationships, but this of course is not always the case.
Key notes
- People often feel unable to talk with their partner about their feelings of frustration about the unequal responsibility around the home.
- Gender norms and anxiety around conflict often keep people from opening up to their partner, which can then lead to passive-aggressive behavior.
- Communication is key. Talk with your partner in a non-blaming way about your feelings and come up with an action plan together to address the issue.
The Issue
One way that I hear about this problem is from client’s who report feelings of frustration that they have to complete more tasks around the home, and who feel like they can’t say anything to their partners about this frustration. The reasons for this seem to vary by couple, but some of the reasons that I often hear include, “I don’t want to feel like a nag,” or “It’s just easier to do it myself.” I also sometimes hear from people that mentioning these things to their partner can temporarily improve the situation, but that things tend to revert after a period of time.
These are absolutely fair points, and I even find myself feeling this way in my own relationship. It doesn’t feel great to feel like you are giving your partner a “chore list” to complete. No one wants to feel that they are their partner’s parent. The downside, though, is that resentment and frustration tend to build-up as one continues to approach things this way.
Passive aggression is one result that many of us have probably experienced, either ourselves or in our relationships. This occurs when we shove down feelings of frustration without addressing the issue. Eventually these feelings spill out in unintended ways that may exacerbate the issue. If the goal was to not make a big deal out of something, when you get passive aggressive (or even just aggressive), the issue is now a whole lot bigger than if it was addressed at the outset.
I think some people also feel like, by asking for their partner to do more, they may be being unreasonable. Am I asking too much? Are my expectations too high? Questions like these can leave people feeling uncertain or think that they are the problem in the scenario.
I also often hear that, when some people voice these concerns to their partner, they will also get a response like, “Just tell me what to do.” While this seems like a positive thing, it continues to put the burden on you (or whoever feels like they are doing an unequal share) to then delegate tasks. You are still the one who has to notice when things need to be done, then decide when to “assign” to your partner, therefore you are still essentially carrying that burden.
Why is this such a common issue in relationships?
I don’t necessarily have the answer to this question. In heterosexual relationships, I imagine that there is a gendered component to this. Women have historically been the ones who take care of the home – cooking, cleaning, childcare. Many of us may have grown up in homes where this was the dynamic between our parents. Even if we have the full intention to have an equal partnership that doesn’t fall into gender stereotypes, sometimes the societal norms around gender and our models growing up impacting our behavior outside our conscious awareness.
I also sometimes wonder if there are differences in how men and women (again talking generally about heterosexual relationships) see things around the home. For example, I have heard from numerous clients that they wish their partners would just take initiative. “He walks right by the dirty sink and doesn’t seem to think, ‘Hey, that should be cleaned,’ like I would.” Is there a difference between how people “see” tasks? Some people may be fine with a bit more clutter or a few dirty dishes in the sink, while others may see these things as issues that need to be addressed ASAP.
What is the solution to this issue?
I think the solution to this issue is very couple-dependent. The primary advice that I give to my clients is to communicate with their partner. Many people are nervous about doing this due to some of the issues I mentioned above. I often tell them, when approaching this conversation, it is so important to use “I” statements instead of blaming. For example, you could approach your partner and say something like, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed by housework and wanted to talk to you about things we could try to relieve some of my stress.” This is a much softer, collaborative way to broach the subject in stead of saying, “You aren’t doing enough around here and need to pitch in more.” When you talk to someone that way, they are much more likely to get defensive, which reduces the possibility that you both will have a productive conversation.
People often feel like it’s childish to create a “chore chart,” but I don’t think there’s any shame in doing something like this if it creates a more equitable household and reduces your stress. You could talk to your partner about distribution of labor – you focus on the trash and the bathrooms and I’ll do dishes and laundry (or whatever works for you). This might help in that your partner knows to keep an eye out for their assigned areas and may be more mindful about maintaining those tasks.
If that isn’t the solution for you both, then you can absolutely be creative. Sit down together each week and come up with a plan. Have each person have assigned days that they figure out dinner. Whatever works for you both and your lifestyle is the most important thing.
To get to this point, though, you need to start with communication. I find that many people feel some sort of relief bringing this up to their partner, and they also find that the conversation can be helpful/productive if they approach it using an “I” statement like I mentioned earlier.
If you have a scenario where things tend to change temporarily, then revert back to the status quo, then maybe coming up with a system to touch base with each other. Maybe you check-in once a month generally and this is part of that check-in. If you know this happens in your relationship dynamic, then thinking intentionally about how you both are going to sustain changes over time is important.
If your partner is unwilling to engage in this conversation, or gets defensive even when you try to share how you are feeling, maybe you aren’t understanding each other or there are other things happening, either with you both individually or with your dynamic generally. I would absolutely recommend individual and/or couples therapy to address issues with communication broadly if this is a more global issue in the relationship.
Summary
Feeling that you are doing more at home may feel like a small issue that you should be able to “power through.” Maybe it doesn’t feel worth the potential conflict to bring it up. However, these relatively small things can become big issues if not addressed. If you are carrying around resentment and even anger toward your partner, how can you be connected in the way that you want to be?
We all need breaks and time for self-care, so a flexible approach may work best in this context. If one person is completely burned out by work or other responsibilities, maybe the other person picks up more slack for a few days and vice versa. I believe that having this dynamic increases feelings of support and trust within the relationship. If you are still struggling with the decision to bring this up to your partner, maybe ask yourself: Is the risk of “rocking the boat” worth the potential improvement in your own mental well-being and even in your relationship overall?
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